Thursday, June 14, 2007

at a Loss for words

I grew up in a least communication family since young. Experience like these aren't what I want. Since young I always longed to have a family where I can communicate almost every single thing but one thing I found out was, I'm only close to friends around me and no doubts my grandparents especially my grandma. I bet my friends know more than what my parents and my siblings does. I practised to be a very quiet daughter who always listen to my parents order. On the other hand it doesn't mean I'm an obidient and loyal daughter. I does unnumbered of mistakes during childhood days. I developed a feeling of discontent and disatisfaction when I take a random look at my friends surroundings. They have a very intimate relationship with their parents and they can share almost everything under the sun. I used to have silence blame deep inside my heart and never did I share it to anyone because I wounldn't want anyone to judge my parents in a way or another.

But as I grow up, these discontent feelings slowly disolved from me. One thing about my parents is they love us so much that they spent more time outside home coz they want to earn as much money for us that causes them to sometimes neglect the quality time with the children includes me and my brothers. I discovered that this discontent in me since young causes me to hide almost every single troubles away from my parents. Never did I practise to share any besides something that is not P&C. As time goes by, me and my brother start to speak out more to each other as we know the loss of our brother leads to intimacy and the heart to seek better relationship between one another. This apply same goes to my parents.

One of the incident that I can remember was whenever me and my dad sits on a same car, only silence will surround us. And this happen almost everyday. I know I could speak out but there is always no longer to have the intimacy between us. This has always been my struggles since childhood days. And never did I have the courage to share it to anyone. Church has always been my second home, even till now. I can speak out to anyone in the church anything that is under the sun. From down the hill, over the mountain and the sea. As I grow up to this point, I am no longer struggle with these experience because I've learned to speak out more.

There is always a small little voice in me that says everything for me, but at times these words just can't seems to come out from my mouth. There are time where I sit down to write, tons ideas are usually whirling around in my mind. But when it comes to putting them down on paper (or hammering them into my computer) I don't always find it easy to pin down my thoughts and convert it into words. At such times, I have to sit still in front of the keyboard and stare blankly or get stone for few minutes until those whirlpools settle down in my mind. Then at least from then on I can write something that make sense like now.

Perhaps if you notice that it applys same goes to prayer meetings or during quiet time. It happens to me, what about you? I always have so much that I wanted to tell God that my head and heart could burst. But when i get to "quiet place' or in 'quiet time' i just can't seem to setle down and pray. My body makes me settle down but mentally my mind wanders like crazy. I'm easily get distracted by anything. Soemtimes the coming events will cause me go crazy mentally before settling down to pray. You know you have a lot to say to God, but the exact words get lost in all that clutter.

At such times, it's easy to get discouraged and think "Oh, I just can't pray", and give up. But actually it's important to remember that prayer is not a one-way-flow of words.

Romans 8:26
" Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words."

This verse apply to me almost every single thing, even when I'm young.. I could have ask God to grant us good communication among the family members. The Lord knows what you want to say long before you utter the word, long before you sit down in your favourite couch or place to pray. He knows your thoughts before you even think them. He'll minister to you while you're silent.