Saturday, March 24, 2007

Grief Experienced

The biggest fear I could ever imagine is a sudden and unexpected call from someone informing me the death of someone you knew. Life is filled with uncertainty and an unexpected news that will cause grief in lifetime. At 12.00 pm sharp on Friday, I received a message with the content of ' Please pray now-23/3/07, jon chang's not feeling well. Heart rate/ fever not under control indicating infection. No growth detection from blood culture but supported with lots of antibiotics, blood and platlets transfer, it's crucial till blood count rises and engraftment take place. Pray for fast engraftment and to be able to pull through this hard time.'- by A.MM. During cell group session, an unexpected news came across us and gave me a shock that he cannot pull through anymore at the age of 3, got called home by the Lord at that night.

Although I have never seen this baby boy before but I feel for his family members who have to accept the fact that a 3 year old son got called home. As we always place our hope on God, no one could ever tell what God is doing up there in heaven. I've experienced once that took place couple of years back.

On a lovely night back to couple of years ago, an unexpected man came up to my house informing us that one of our family member died in a crucial accident. We were frigtened by the news and it was certified that it's the fact that no one can deny that a 19 year old boy(my brother) being call home by the Lord on that very night. It's a huge lost to my family especially my parents that had spent 19 years bringing up a child filled with love and care. Initially after his accident, my parents and my 2nd elder brother accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as their personal Saviour. The months following the funeral have been a series of examples of both God's severeignty and His provision. Over 600 people turned up for the first day of his funeral. So many instances have occured that shows God's loving hand at work all this while. God has always been good to him and to my family even till the day he died.

My mum missed his presence and longing for his existence every night and his existence is no longer here to bring up a smile on her face but tears. I hardly could see my parents smile no matter how hard I would try to enlighten them but to see them flipping through his journal and pictures, weaping sorrowfully for his return. In the eyes of my parents, all I could see is an expression filled with sorrow, grief and sadness. As time passes by, his death has become a lifetime testimony to people. Miracles happened right after his death from one to another. Life still move on with the assurance and hope we have in Jesus.

The first 12 months after his death marked a time of real grieving for all my family although different family members experienced it in a different ways. One very hurtful aspect of Alan's dying. present almost from the starts, was the question: "How many siblings do you have?" It's amazing how often this comes up in a casual conversation. Do I say '1' or '2'? Do I explain or I say nothing? Feeling I should acknowledge reality, I've tried 1 on for size ( with no explanation) It was awful. I felt like a traitor, with one word, I had dismissed Alan's existence. Yet it is necessary appropriate to say '2' with an explanation. A stranger in casual conversation does not need to be put in the position of saying : ' I'm sorry'. It's has always been a shock and trauma although it's already 6 years. Afterall life is just a temporary assignment.

God has never been put us aside in his picture. He is always faithful and just and loving to my family. Life still move on with his almighty power and strength to endure with it. It has become the past now. But truly he proved to me that he is real.

Though he brings grief, He will
show compassion, so great in His
unfailing love.
Lamentations 3:32
Few years back, A. Stephanie handed me a book entitled 'On Eagle's Wing' with this poem inside:
The Weaver
My life is but a weaving
Between my Lord and me.
I cannot choose the colour
He worketh steadily.
Off times He weaveth sorrow
And I, in foolish pride,
Forget he sees the upper
And I the underside
Not till the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly,
Does God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why
The dark threads are as needful
In the skilful weaver's hand,
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.
That's all for now, I hope this testimony will bless you today. Hang out for Jesus for he hangs out for you. God bless you! =)

Friday, March 23, 2007


Have you ever grow tired and weary over something in life? Tired of life? Life makes no sense to us at times? Being tired of school, college, or work? During the discussion today in hostel cg, everyone of us mentioned the word tired as we ponder upon the verse given:
Even youths will become weak and tired,
and young men will fall in exhaustion.
But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.
Isaiah 40:30-31
Well, one thing we can be sure according to this verse is assurance from God. He is the only one who will not grow tired and weary and that His understanding no one can fathom or predict. Sometimes in our life, we tend to under estimate God's ability. Whenever I grow tired of anything, I hardly could remind myself of God's assurance and promise. As time pass by, only I realize that actually all this while he is just standing right next to me, carrying me through the hard time. Footprints always says that whenever we are not aware of God's presence, the fact is he is carrying us through. God loves to work in people's lives. He loves to see us victorious over sin, which gives him glory and honor. That's why he wants us to rely on his strength instead of our own. Those are the best time for us- the times we soar like eagles.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Being Broken

A good and caring shepherd will count his sheep whenever it hits the twilight. If one found missing, the shepherd will go out and find the sheep before the night falls. The shepherd will never be careless if the shepherd notice the same sheep gone missing night after night, for that little lamb is developing a very bad habit. After this happens several times, the shepherd will go looking for the sheep as usual, but this time he does something very unusual.

The shepherd pick up the tiny wandering sheep, firmly holding it with one arm while at the same time positioning his solid staff against one os the sheep's legs. Then with a swift and strong motion, he will snap the little lamb's leg with the staff.

Why would a caring shepherd would want to break the leg of a harmless sheep? How could the shepherd commit such cruelty? Haddon Robinson provide the answer: "Back in the fold the shepherd makes a splint for the shattered leg and, during the days that follow, he carries that crippled sheep close to his heart. As long leg begins to mend, the shepherd sets the sheep down by his side. To the crippled animal, the smallest stream looms like a giant river, the tiniest knoll rises like a mountain. The sheep depends completely on the shepherd to carry it across the terrain. After the leg has healed, the sheep has learned a lesson: It must stay close to the shepherd's side.

"To break the leg of a porr, defenseless sheep seems almost vicious-unless you understand the shepherd's heart. Then you realize that what seems to be cruelty is really kindness. The shepherd knows that the sheep must remain close to him if it is to be protected from danger. So he breaks the leg not to hurt it but to restore it"

Sometimes God breaks our hearts. It may be a loss of a child, a business, a marriage, a ministry, our dear family member, or our health. Through our losses, he can use us for a greater purpose in life and bring him greater glory.

A Broken Spirit
A broken spirit and a contrite heart
You will not despise
You desire the truth in the inward part
A broken spirit and a contrite heart
Lord, my heart is prone to wander
Prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart, Lord take and seal it
Seal it for your courts above


Wednesday, March 21, 2007

From A to Z

The mak cik Azie has always been a cheerful one.
Since the day we took our SPM results back in MGS, we never been contacting each other for any meet up. These malay friends are one of my close friends in high school.
Azimah which is in purple, stand next to me used to be the fiercest among the prefects in the class. 'Tak ada siapa pun berani menentang azimah ni' She seems to be enthusiastic about her post being a prefect during those days. We never get close because I'm never a favourite person to her in form 1 but unexpectedly, and it happens from form 2 till form 5 we ended up in the same class. That's when we get to know each other so well and became TA DA 'kawan baik'!
Secondly the one in the middle was Farah who used to be an aggresive class rap in my class during standard 6. She used to judge me according to my appearance and my attitude and somehow she just dun like me at all and we always caught in a fight. But don't know what happened I ended up to be in the same class with her in form 1, 'habislah kali ni'! And she got elected to be a class rap again! At the same time our class teacher assigned me to sit next to her. I never get to be myself coz I'm always under her order and no one dares to offend her in any way. Well frankly speaking I am just scared of her all this while but unexpectedly again, we ended up to be very close during the time where we always have training to become school runner. She really am a good athlete. I always got defeated by her.
Farah is not an aggresive person anymore but a sweet and cheerful girl now. I've never seen her since form 1 due to her parents who needs to transfer to KL. I miss her existence since she's away from me. Erm, time flies...we got back together after 6 years. She changed a lot and I really cherish the moments being together again. Awwww, sigh tak sampai hati nak berpisah lagi, harap-harap kita boleh berjumpa lagi kawan baik! =)